Parents are increasingly adopting the “calm authority” approach, seeing it as a balanced method that combines warmth with firm boundaries.
Calm authority parenting blends warmth and structure, offering a balanced alternative to gentle or FAFO approaches
Gentle parenting, which prioritises emotional understanding, has dominated recent discussions, while FAFO parenting—short for “f‑around and find out”—encourages children to experience natural consequences. Calm authority now offers a middle ground, blending structure with empathy.
Family psychologist Jen Hartstein and journalist Ericka Sóuter appeared on TODAY with Sheinelle Jones and guest co-host Nia Long to explain how the approach works.
Hartstein said: “Gentle parenting can teach kids emotional resilience, but it doesn’t necessarily teach them what to do with their feelings in the bigger part of the world. Plus, we often don't have the amount of time gentle parenting requires in order to be successful.”
Sóuter highlighted the benefits of FAFO parenting but noted its limitations.
She said: “It teaches resilience and grit, and how to pick themselves up and move forward in this world that can be very unforgiving. But there are parents who say it is too harsh, and a lot of parents ... don’t want to see their kids fail.”
Calm authority, the experts said, strikes a balance. Sóuter explained “it’s not authoritarian and it’s not permissive, but it does include consequences.” For instance, a child throwing a ball indoors might get one or two warnings before the ball is taken away.
Long added: “There’s a fine line between doing what’s necessary and creating healthy boundaries so that they know better to begin with.”
Hartstein emphasised the importance of validating emotions.
She added: “Your feelings are always valid. What you do with your feelings is where we have problems.” Sóuter added: “In the house, we can acknowledge their feelings and care about them, but in class, they need to just follow the rules and know that there are limits.”
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