Why write a romantic comedy about it?
When I first started writing Apart - a story about grief, in an attempt to process my own, it felt overwhelmingly sad and dark, because in the early days of grief, it can feel as though everything is sad and dark. Yet if we look closely, it’s actually not so. Life is always a blend of light and dark, joy and sorrow, laughter and tears. And that is why I felt the need to incorporate humour into the story.
Apart by Jude Jacobs
For some people, it may seem uncomfortable, even disrespectful to laugh or joke while grieving, but it can actually be a healthy thing to do. I asked Bianca Neumann, Clinical Director of Grief and Bereavement at the palliative care and bereavement charity, Sue Ryder, for her thoughts and advice on grief and laughter.
What advice might your counsellors give regarding whether humour may be able to help people who are grieving?
‘Humour has several neurological benefits because it activates many parts of the brain involved in emotion, thinking, and social connection. When we laugh or find something funny, the brain releases chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin. These chemicals help lift our mood, increase motivation, and create a general sense of wellbeing. At the same time, humour can lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, allowing the brain and body to relax and recover from tension.’
‘Beyond the neuroscience, humour often plays an important role in how people cope with grief. Many people who are mourning describe moments when laughter unexpectedly appears in the middle of sadness - a shared memory, an inside joke about the person who died, or a light comment that briefly cuts through the heaviness of their grief. These moments can feel surprising but psychologically they are often part of how the brain regulates overwhelming emotion.’
If some people worry it seems disrespectful, how would you respond to that type of concern?
‘Some bereaved families even find themselves joking about the person who died, recalling their quirks, habits or the funny situations they once created. Rather than being disrespectful, this kind of humour can be a way of keeping the person present in everyday life.’
‘Laughter can momentarily release emotional pressure, allowing people to move between grief and relief without feeling that they are betraying the seriousness of their bereavement. In this sense, humour can become part of our “grief medicine”, one of the small but meaningful ways the mind helps us cope with pain.’
‘The idea of humour appearing in difficult circumstances is also reflected in the concept of “gallows humour”. Today the term is commonly used to describe the dark humour that can emerge in high-stress environments such as hospitals, emergency services, or the military, where people regularly confront life-and-death situations.'
‘Psychologists have explored this phenomenon through Terror Management Theory. The theory suggests that human beings experience a unique psychological tension: we are driven to survive, yet we are also aware that death is inevitable. This awareness can produce deep existential anxiety, sometimes referred to as “death anxiety”. We manage this anxiety through cultural beliefs and social relationships. Humour is also one of those strategies. By turning fear, loss, or tragedy into something that can be laughed at, even briefly, humour can reduce emotional intensity and create a sense of psychological distance from painful realities.’
‘This does not mean that our grief becomes less significant. Instead, humour can sit alongside sorrow as part of the mind’s natural balancing process. A joke shared at a funeral, a funny story told about someone who has died, or a moment of laughter between grieving friends can remind people that even in the presence of grief, connection, memory, and meaning continue. In this way, humour becomes not a denial of grief, but another way of carrying it.’
Is there any other advice you would give - both for those grieving and for friends and family trying to support them?
‘Don’t be scared of humour, especially if it is part of your personality or your loved ones. Making jokes is part of being human and also a welcome respite in difficult times, even if for a moment. Moments of humour can help someone who is grieving but of course context is everything. The humour should obviously not be made in a way that invalidates a person’s grief.
If you have someone in your life who is grieving then it can be helpful to remember that there is no fixed timeline for grief. After a funeral, when life goes back to its old routines, can be a hard time. It’s important that you stay available for the weeks and months following it. Grief isn’t something that we get over or forget about, we learn to live and grow with.’
‘Making sure they know you haven’t forgotten their grief and that you are happy to listen if they want to talk about it can be a huge comfort. People often open up more when doing something - an activity or a hobby. You can offer to join them in something they enjoy, whether that is going for a run, a walk in nature or watching sports. You may find this takes some of the pressure away and encourages them to open up.’
I find this advice very relatable. I once travelled from a church to a wake in a funeral car driven by a man in his seventies, who evidently wished he’d had a career in Formula One. Instead of driving us at the slow, steady pace we’d expected, he had his foot to the floor at every opportunity, and at every junction we’d get a string of half-muttered expletives. Yes, it was inappropriate, but it also cracked us up, and allowed us to release the tension of the day.
So, rather than feeling guilty about laughing while we are grieving, we should treasure the moments of humour that help us through the dark days, remembering that our loved ones would never wish sorrow on us, but would far rather we found light in the dark, and respite from our grief.
Sue Ryder provides a range of free support tools and advice for people who are grieving, ranging from articles in its Grief Guide to an online bereavement community providing peer-to-peer support sueryder.org/help
Writer: Jude Jacobs (Author of Apart)
Read our review of Apart by Jude Jacobs Here
Apart is Released 28/03/2026 ISBN: 9781835743966 Price: £9.99
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