As modern dating leaves many women disillusioned, equality campaigner and author Elizabeth G. reflects on why she has chosen to stay single — and why the romantic ideal of ‘Mr Darcy’ no longer holds the same appeal.
Women choose Independence image `Courtesy Pexels-1869208
Last October, Chanté Joseph wrote Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? for British Vogue. The article sparked a huge online debate, and it got me thinking deeply about love, sex and dating in the modern era. I began to ponder over the dynamics of relationships and how they have changed considerably over the last fifty years. Gone are the days when women dreamt of being swept off their feet by Mr Darcy in order to live financially secure lives and elevate their status amongst a closed-minded society. Mr Darcy is long gone. In my opinion, the fantasy of Mr Darcy is dead.
Chanté states, “From my conversations, one thing is certain: the script is shifting. Being partnered doesn’t affirm your womanhood anymore; it is no longer considered an achievement, and, if anything, it’s become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single.” Bagging a wealthy husband was once seen as the mark of an achievement for women and the ultimate status symbol, especially during the 1800s. But that is no longer the case. Marriage has become a hindrance, an obstacle designed to get in the way of fulfilling our life’s purpose away from the household. Away from convention. My heart aches for women from times past who had no choice but to remain in stagnant, toxic and, in some cases, abusive relationships for fear of living in extreme poverty and dying of disease or starvation. But times have changed. Women today are tired. We are tired of unrealistic expectations; we are tired of being let down, tired of giving up our careers, and we are tired of being mistreated by men.
Seeing the comments online in reaction to the Vogue article (“why would I need a man disappointing me?” being one of them – this was not a one-off; there were many like this), it became clear to me that many women simply feel safer staying single. For far too long now, women have been lied to, betrayed, abused. For so many of us, including myself, it simply feels safer to steer clear of romantic relationships with men. As a survivor of domestic violence, staying single is my way of protecting myself. It’s my way of protecting my peace. After living in what felt like a war zone, wondering if I’d come out alive, living in a peaceful household while getting a good night’s sleep night after night feels like I’ve won the lottery. I take none of it for granted and am not prepared to give that up for just anybody.
That’s not to say that all men abuse, or all men deceive. There are good men out there, just as there are deceitful women out there. But the declining birth rate in Europe only proves that there has been a shift for women, many of whom feel that getting into a relationship is just not worth the risk, the trauma or the potential setback. Women are becoming more self-sufficient than ever before. The things we used to need men for, i.e. financial security, we can now create for ourselves. Sure, it’s great to have a backup system — living as a single-person household (especially during a cost-of-living crisis) can be tough. But for me personally, while I continue to recover from traumas of the past, I’d rather take the risk of struggling financially on my own rather than risk getting into another controlling relationship. I understand only too well feeling trapped by a toxic partner and the strength it can take to not only get out but also to rebuild a life. It can take years. Decades even. The older I get, the more I realise that I simply do not have that time to waste.
So what does this all say about men’s behaviour? That it’s time for them to step up and do better. Don’t expect your partner to take on all the domestic duties as well as work and raise the children. It’s not sustainable. And if you are a man who knows deep down that you cannot be faithful, then don’t waste another person’s time trying to lure them into your web of lies and deceit. Either stay single or get therapy — my days of trying to fix broken men are well and truly over.
That’s not to say that I will remain single forever, or perhaps I will. Who knows! I’m not dissing being in a loving, committed relationship either. I am simply pointing out the fact that there has been a very obvious shift in the way women choose to live.
“Where being single was once a cautionary tale (you’ll end up a “spinster” with loads of cats), it is now becoming a desirable and coveted status — another nail in the coffin of a centuries-old heterosexual fairytale that never really benefited women to begin with.” Chanté Joseph
It’s wonderful to fall in love, but the years have taught me that merely being in love is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. It takes so much more than love: trust, consistency, compassion, stability, awareness and emotional intelligence, to name a few. These are qualities that I am just struggling to find in the modern-day man. If anyone can point me in that direction, then please do let me know. Until then, I will remain happily single, safe and liberated. Because once a woman realises her own strength in surviving this dog-eat-dog world, there is no going back.
Elizabeth G. is a British author and podcaster who campaigns for, and is a vocal advocate of, equality for sex workers. She is currently trying to expand the scope of The Equality Act 2010 to include the sex industry in order to protect those working within it from discrimination. Her candid memoir, ‘Unashamed: Why Do People Pay for Sex?’ is out now.
By 'Elizabeth G' for FemaleFirst
Tagged in relationships relationship advice